The physical pain of waiting

It’s like a wheel sliding on ice. Like the grinding of gears in a mechanism. Like a wedge too large, driving deeper and deeper, tearing the board apart.

That’s how the head works when the brain has found a solution to a problem, but reality isn’t ready for it.

When you have to wait for a conjunction of planets, zodiac signs, a date on the calendar, or a specific account balance.

But you can’t always speed up the course of events. You don’t always have cheat codes, shortcuts, combinations, or consumer credit at hand. Sometimes things simply don’t depend on you.

What many people trivializing ADHD miss (because of course “everyone is a bit hyperactive”) is that waiting, tension, delay causes a tangible, physical pain. It twists your stomach, your heart pounds like crazy, sweat pours down your forehead and your hands shake. You start to become like a barrel of gunpowder that could explode at any moment.

That’s why you clench your teeth, write down every thought that would disappear in two seconds or blow your head off. That’s why sometimes you go silent and withdraw, trying to deflect your frustration onto others.

The autistic brain doesn’t help. It doesn’t like change. It doesn’t like distraction. It reminds you that emotions, relationships, energy don’t matter. Only logic. Only the equation, and math doesn’t lie…